people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
