I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
