If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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