So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
