Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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