It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
