Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
