remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
