The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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