best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
