Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
