he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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