But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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