Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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