Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Randomize
