I'm gonna have a badass scar
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
