i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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