It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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