I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
