I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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