did you get engaged???
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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