Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
