how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
