I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
this boner is exhausting
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
