I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
