we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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