Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
