if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
