tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Randomize
