I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
