At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
jump out the window naked night went bad
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