I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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