It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
