he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
