I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
