her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
