I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
