my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Less talking, more tequila
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
