Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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