dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
