The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
