2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You're like the curious george of whores
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
