Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
