Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
