I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
