Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
