I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
