I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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