Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Did I show you my penis last night?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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