sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
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