so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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