does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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